God's Wisdom and God's Blessings
This is a writing I wrote over ten years ago, when my husband and I were living in Thailand as missionaries. I am posting it here because this is my “Collections” and I do not want this beautiful moment in time, around my love for God, my husband and my little girl to get lost. So here is God’s wisdom and Gods blessings. Probably circa 2011 or 2012.
God's Wisdom and God's Blessings
I think its amazing how God blesses us with blessings...... and those blessings if you see them for the truth of what they are, a whole hearted gift from God, will inevitably be something that will also draw you nearer to him. I love that... I LOVE That God works his magic this way and shows us more of his own heart for us, teaches us more of his character, and reveals a better understanding to us of how he works through the things he allows us to experience.
Being loved by the man I am loved was the first huge experience in this for me. Before Jonathan came into my life I struggled with a huge sense of unworthiness and didnt even realize the extent until I finally believed I could be loved like he loved me. I had a relationship early in my teen years that really screwed my head up pretty bad, but I had allowed that relationship as well because I was at the time just so desperate to have SOMETHING, have someone who I thought cared about me. But it was very twisted and unhealthy and very one sided, and again ingrained the belief that I would always have to fight to be worthy of being "seen"... or cared about deeply at all. I had the notion in my head that if I wasn't good enough, people were always going to leave... and that being me wasn’t enough... and never could be. Perhaps it was why I so adored acting in my teen years and youth, because I could be anything I wanted to be.... I could be brave and confident and silly, and had a safe place to do that. That feeling of being "Safe" with someone, was something I really didn’t know until Jonathan came into my life.
We met at a time when everything around me was starting to crumble, and in all reality I met Jonathan at a crossroad that could also be defined as a breaking point in my life. And what happened was, this relationship we had formed gave me the safety, to reveal myself 100% as I was... whether it was weak, ashamed, falling apart... whatever it is that I was, I told Jonathan all of it.... and the crazy thing was, he only loved me more. He saw into what God had been doing in my life, he recognized the present as the challenge it was... he knew my heart deeply and understood what I needed, and was the only one who spoke completely unselfishly to those needs, even when he had the option to speak for himself and what HE wanted for me to do. For me to come to him sooner, for me to take a route that would lead me to where HE wanted...but he spoke only to what he knew NEEDED to happen, for me to be ok.
God used Jonathan to show me his love. That despite whatever I thought, whatever past I came from, none of it mattered at all, all that mattered was that my Father in Heaven SAW ME, he knew it all, he had allowed it to help create me into who he wanted me to be.... to better understand him as a Father, as someone who cherished me so deeply and would always see my best... I finally understood Gods love in an even deeper sense. I had always known God had loved me, but there is so much that happens in life that Satan tries to use to tear us from God, to part us from him. Moments of shame or disgrace, mistakes we made that didnt reflect who we are, the things we can think selfishly, actions we took without thinking, things we could have done that even caused others pain, all of it, are the perfect weapons of self hatred that Satan quite eagerly tries to put in our back pocket to find and use on ourselves. I must have looked like Keira Knightley in Pirates three when they ask her to take off her weapons and shes pulling them out of places you didn’t even know you could hide them! And makes a huge pile! unfortunately, I think I still carry some of those... but I recognize that, so that at least is a good thing. When I face the risk of beating myself down, I look to a God who so desires to lift me up... and a husband who works this in his love for me daily, in every single piece of it, a daughter who in me finds no flaw, and only sees love staring back at her, and her into me...
Marriage is the greatest experience of Gods love... and marriage is different than a relationship that you just have forever. Marriage is saying, "You are the one who God made a part of me, I found you... and now He will make us one again, and we will walk together as one for all life and eternity, for the Father who brought me to you."
There is no, "walk away"... there is no, "if you aren't enough...I will leave." Marriage is about commiting your heart to the one you love entirely, and saying there is nothing that could ever part you, because the love that binds you is everlasting. In the Bible God describes his relationship with us to be a marriage, that Christ is the groom and we are his bride...... he does this, so that if we have experienced marriage as what he desired marriage to be, we would have a more real picture of his love for us, through something we have tangibly been able to know and feel. Unfortunatel, we as people need that sometimes.
Matthew 25: 31-46
"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'
"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'
"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."
The Hole in the Gospel, puts this perfectly... "Any authentic and genuine commitment to Christ will be accompanied by demonstrable evidence of a transformed life..." Actions taken in tangible and loving ways toward the poor, the sick, the imprisoned and the vulnerable... lives speaking out to those in need, lives that were characterized by acts of love. God uses things and people to show us himself, to show us his glory, and to show us the depths of his goodness... and sometimes we are so jaded that we miss that... and he has to point out, "This what I was trying to show you..." Marriage, I think is an incredible demonstration of that... but this comes with what Jonathan says to me, "A disclaimer." Sadly, the majority of marriages out there today do not demonstrate 1 Corinthians 13:4.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
We all have a long way to go to love like that, because that is the perfect description of Gods love... and we cannot love that perfectly, but we can STRIVE to love that perfectly with a full heart daily. And that is what I see as being true love, that is the love many cannot find because they cannot bring themselves to even believe in love like that, so they are unable to challenge themselves to love like that, and they are unable to allow themselves TO be loved like that. But its also why marriage today very very rarely LOOKS like that... and why marriage today in the majority of cases would not speak authentically to what God desires in relationship with us.
Parenting is another phenomenal example of something God blesses us with, that on a whole new level shows us his heart that you wont be able to understand until you know what it means to be a parent. Jonathan and I have this child... who literally shines the Heavens to us on a daily basis. I know everyone thinks their child is the best little thing there is, but we very literally feel like God collected his most beautiful stars and put them together in this little girl.
Judea is a phenomenal little person, daughter... soul. There is no way I could go on and on about all the things she is, but I can try. :) From the beginning of her life with us she has never been self seeking, which is a funny thing to say about a baby who has needs at every turn and is 100% dependent on you. But she has never done it in a way that makes us resentful. haha, Things about this paragraph could sound bad but I hope not. I am just acknowledging that I know a lot of parents have children and get very quickly burnt out, need that break, want that escape, and we have never felt that with our daughter. There are certain steps we took right away practically of course that aided in the effort to show Judea she does not rule the roost! But no matter what steps we took or things we made a part of our family life, the only person who gets the credit for WHO SHE IS, is Father above who formed her and designed her and made her the treasure she is.
Judea does not get angry, she does not throw fits, and she from the beginning is an extremely rare crier. She is the little girl who when she wakes up, we hear on the monitor say, "Hi!" Instead of crying, or calling us by name. When she desires something she asks very patiently, and when she is offered something, she turns to us to make sure its ok to take that something... and she does it very timidly and always says "Thank you..." She doesn't understand loudness or people making a scene.... she is a very calm little presence in life with people, but when we get home we get to see her loudness and her joy and her rambunctious side! But its where she is free to just be herself in full... in public, it's funny how timid a person she can be. She doesn't feel the need to flaunt herself where many kids might in an a home environment that so constantly encourages all her specialness.
She is just so good.... and so gentle... and so giving. If we give her something special, she wants to share it! Like a special treat or something, she always insists that we have some, as if its not as good for her if she can't give it to us. She gets so upset every time we go to the hospital now, because she remembers when mommy had to be there because of what happened with the baby months back. She's just so concerned, she wants us always joyful, she loves to MAKE us joyful. She's so eager to learn and try new things, and do the things that make us laugh... or give us the things she knows touches our hearts. And she puts herself out to make others feel cared for, even if it's not always in her comfort zone, she will do things to bless others....
She's just a phenomenal little girl... full of, "I love you's" and affection. And respect for the fact that mommy and daddy hold the authority... and when she runs and needs to slow down, or when she needs to be told something, we ask her to come to us and hold our hands and look us in the eye and listen, and she does it. She puts her darling little hands in our hands and listens, and then we say. "Ok?" and she says, "Ok..." I could go on and on but the point here is just that she's such a star... and there are countless things we talk about on a daily basis that leave us in awe of her... we just cherish our little girl and daily anticipate who she will continue to grow into. It's the most insane and beautiful thing to have your children, and to know their hearts better than anyone, and to be the two people that speak to that heart on a different level. It's an honor, it's the greatest gift...
It's very rare we have an "Acting out" moment... but she is a child and they can happen. Just doing something she knows she's not supposed to when we have asked her not to... or deliberately not listening. This is very rare, but when it happens she 100% acknowledges she's in the wrong. And if we have to put her on a time out, or to sit in the corner, she goes and sits there silently and does not fight it at all. But rather just sits and stares at the wall... until we come to get her, "Do you know why you got a time out?" "Can you say you are sorry?" And she does, and she strokes our face and gives us a kiss after... and she is not angry about having been punished, she gets it, and so she takes that...
On the other end of things, is HORRIBLE to have to punish. Yesterday we had an incident where Judea needed to take a nap but was in a hyper mood, but she was also exhausted! Sometimes you face the challenge of knowing best, and needing to enforce something, but also having to deal with the repercussions of your child not agreeing with you... :) So we went in Judea's room twice to talk to her about going to sleep, and both times she had taken out all the bedding and thrown it on the floor. With Judea's bed, it's gotten very hard, so I have to put pillows on the bottoms and tuck them over with a sheet to make it cozy for her, and every single piece was removed and thrown out. The first time it was a no no, the second time she did it after we told her it was a "no no" was a BIG no no, and she had to get a time out.
Usually when we go to get her up we enter the room with a "Hi precious!!" And laughter and smiles and warmth and cuddles. But this time, I had to go in and confront her about what she had done, pick her up and sit her in the corner.... no cuddles... no excitement, she had to know she was in the wrong.
So I sat her down and when Judea knew she wasn't a good girl is WHEN she gets upset, and she sat in that corner without moving crying to herself... and I had to put her bed together with her not ten feet away, and let her cry and make her have that time to think about things. But what did that do to my heart? It DESTROYS ME... All I want is to scoop her up and say, "Darling, it's ok, I'm not mad, but this isn't something you can do..." But there are stages of life where action is what will speak louder, until she can better understand the importance of certain lessons, we have to make things happen that show her when something is not ok. So this becomes something I have to endure, and it's a horrific punishment. But is it better to let her get away with these things, and continue to act out, and to get into habits of acting destructively or selfishly, and because I am not ok with being the one to feel pain in it, I will allow her to become unruly, or think that she can do anything she wants without consequence. It is those people in the world who are the source of evil and heartbreak, war and the deterioration of innocents. My daughter could never be one of those people, my point is, I discipline her, because I believe in how she is better than actions she takes that are EASIER... and so it's a challenge... but it's what's right to do.
Proverbs 3:
"My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in."
God teaches us more than we can put into words through being a parent and loving your children as wholly as you can love another under the God built you to be one with... but these lessons draw us so close to his heart, is knowing that God is "Father"... to understand these things, brings a respect so great, and understanding so deep, and an appreciation so invaluable there are no words to describe it.
If I pain so much when I have to give my daughter discipline, what does God's heart ache when he has to discipline us? If I hate every scratch on her body from when she was a little reckless and not careful with herself, how much does God hate the wounds we inflict upon ourselves? If all I desire from the bottom of my heart is to scoop up my daughter in my arms when she cries... how much more does God desire to hold us so near.... and it if takes all the strength in me to NOT do that in certain moments right away... to build the character of my little girl, how much more strength does it take the Lord, whose love is endless and flows FREELY and PASSIONATELY for us... to not just give it. But he loves us in the way that he knows who we are and what we NEED to be the best version of ourselves, better than anyone ever could. He knows what is good and right, and what will be best. He disciplines us, because he loves us.... and the thing is, we are his children, if you were not his SACRED child of his heart, he would not do this.
Jonathan and I were talking about this last night... There is a little girl in church who comes and her parents let her run around and scream and get up in the pastors area and make quite a lot of disruption and disrespect. Judea can sometimes have a hard time staying patient for a two and a half hour long service, but she's very respectful and never acts out and makes a scene... we just help occupy her the best we can. But Jonathan made the point, that when its your child, you discipline in a way that you couldnt and wouldnt discipline someone that wasn't your child. Not because it would be inappropriate, which sometimes yes it would, but because there is a different level of love there, and an understanding of YOUR CHILD'S heart, that in the discipline creates a greater bond of love because you know your child will hear your heart, and you do it, because you love them and want their best. We do not discipline to be cruel or limiting, we discipline for the sake of our children's protection, to help them grow knowledge and wisdom... for them to understand how to be selfless and more feeling of others, to make clear what is not right and to lift up what is good... if this is the case and the truth about why we put, "no no's" on things... then should we not be only grateful for where God has put his foot down?
I look back on my life and I see so many lessons, so many "fall downs" so many times of crying or where I had to sit alone and "think about it".... and I am not talking about just as a child, but in my adult life, where my Father God had to put me in a corner and let me feel pitiful. I do not in any way think he enjoyed having to do this... but he used those times to teach me something, to enforce something important to remember, and to challenge me to be less selfish, more understanding and wise in my actions and who I wanted to be. THIS was a GIFT. So yea, it was hard, and yea, it hurt, and yea, there are things I wish I didn't have to go through... but if it hurt me... how hard it must have been for God to watch me, as a parent go through that, but to know what was best.... But I also know, having been a parent now and known the heart of loving your child, that all he wanted was to take me into his arms and cradle me, hold me... even tell me he wished he didn't have to punish me! But in all his goodness and wisdom he waited... and the hug came later....... BIG TIME, the hug will ALWAYS COME, and with God, we will feel his love more powerfully than we can even fathom it in the time of discipline. But it could almost make you wish for another time out, just to feel the purity of what that lesson meant and what it brought you.
Thank you God for allowing me to be a wife, a parent... to know your heart more, to hear your voice speaking, and to go through the things you go through though on such a smaller level... but in a place of significance that leads me nearer to you. I love you so much.
